Challenge 37 - SEGWAY

SEGWAY - THE ONLY WAY TO TRAVEL!

I have cancelled my order for a mobility scooter, and am saving my pennies for a deluxe Segway GTi.  I shall have to adapt it slightly to meet my needs - I'm thinking golf umbrella, back rest, drinks holder, stereo, satnav, airbag and shopping basket - but it really is the way to go. It copes with all terrains, even tree stumps (unless you're Iain); you can do tricks so it will fit in nicely with my skateboarding chums down at the park; it will not send adrenalin-allergic adventurers into anaphylactic shock; it is battery-powered so gets an environmental tick; it travels only 24 miles on one charge so you will never stray inadvertently far from home - always a consideration when Alzheimers looms; you can look cool,  but that needs practice as the photos testify.



Just for the record:  during the 'segway rally' I scored 0 falls, 0 submissions, 0 refusals, unlike the rest of my co-segwayers.  I did overhear the unkind and the jealous claiming that it was because I wasn't trying - it was of course because I was gifted and talented.

Before leaving we tried the ploy of keeping them talking, while I slipped a little Segway into the boot of our car, but we were spotted.  Looks like I'll have to save the £4500 !!!!!! I need to invest in the transport of the future.

Thanks, Ken and Martha, for a wonderful day and a great challenge!

Challenge 36 - DRIVE A TRACTOR

Take one large red Massey Ferguson, add one bonkers driving instructor, stir in 6 bottles of the finest rioja, remove all daylight and replace with a few twinkly stars, combine with a steep gradient, sprinkle on some Irish loopy juice.....


...... and you have a challenge!  One, might I say, that I should have had the sense to refuse on the grounds of being life-threatening.  But I didn't, perhaps reassured by the knowledge that my GP brother was on hand to deal with any crush injuries.... and that the alcohol would ease any pain.


My training for this challenge was limited, and was delivered by my inebriated brother lying giggling in a bed of nettles with a glass in his hand.  He showed me where the seat and the steering wheel and the field were, but omitted the minor details of how to operate the accelerator, clutch, gears or brake.

So I guessed, and the large red Massey Ferguson rumbled forward into the night carrying with it my dreams of a new career in the open countryside feeding the nation with wholesome fayre and protecting our agricultural heritage.  My dreams were shattered when momentum was beaten by gradient and I started rolling backwards. The lack of braking knowledge suddenly became a pressing issue, so I clutched in desperation at a lever on the floor to my left - the handbrake.   The world (and the tractor) started spinning...



Time to get out. Time to marvel at still being alive.  Time to tick off another challenge.

Challenge 35 - FELL A TREE

I'm a lumberjack and I don't care,
I sleep all night and I work all day.

I cut down trees, I wear checked shirts, and steel-capped hobnail boots,
On Saturdays I go chopping - sawing branches, twigs and shoots.


I'm a lumberjack and I don't care,
I sleep all night and I work all day.

I cut down trees, I drink cold beer and I can not multi-task,
I wield my powerful chain-saw and swig whisky from my flask.




I'm a lumberjack and I don't care,
I sleep all night and I work all day.

I cut down trees, I watch Top Gear, I swear at referees,
I like to go out drinking, and come home when I please.


I'm a lumberjack and I don't care,
I sleep all night and I work all day.

I cut down trees, - farewell high heels, suspenders and my bra,
I wish I were more manly, just like my dear mama!






Note: The following inaccuracies were included in the above version of "I'm a lumberjack" for reasons of artistic licence:

1.  My mama was not manly.
2.  I can multi-task (of course).
3.  I am happy being girly.

Challenge 34 - 'DO' Shakespeare

Scene:- Globe Theatre, London                          

Dramatis personae:-

Jen - an Irish country wench
Iain - a drunken fellow
Andrew - scoundrel and kinsman to the wench
Helen - a sweet-faced gentlewoman wedded to the scoundrel.



Now, good morrow, friends..

At two score years and ten, I prithee forgive that I be untutored in the rudiments of Shakespeare's genius.  To seek wise remedy, I ventured forth to London neath the churlish chiding of a summer storm........



....to see "As You Like It" at the Globe.  I prepared well - I read the play from beginning to end (and didn't understand it), I read the York notes of the play (and didn't understand it), I researched online (and didn't understand it).  However, once the actors walked out on stage, it magically made sense, with characters I could identify with, a plot I could follow and jokes I could laugh at.  Within the magnificent Globe Theatre, I felt transported back to an Elizabethan age to share in the magic of live theatre, undiluted by the demands of a post-TV audience.  The rain and the thunder all added to the atmosphere.... admittedly from the shelter of the middle gallery looking down on the devotees standing in the circle in their cagoules.   Only the jumbo jets passing over every minute brought you reluctantly and all too frequently back to the 21st century.....


And so, I beseech thee, friends good and true, to bear good opinion of my new knowledge.  "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts.."

What a stage we are on .....play your part well.


God rest you merry!

Challenge 33 - SLEEP UNDER THE STARS

Sounds romantic? - no, I was alone - my invitations to my sleepover party were all declined.

Sounds peaceful? - no, I was kept awake by rabbits scurrying underneath me, pine martins dropping pine cones on my head and mosquitoes buzzing round my ear to let me know they had just feasted on my flesh!

Sounds educational? - no, I only saw one star all night, despite having chosen for my adventure the night of the Perseid meteor shower.

Sounds healthy? - no, I woke up with a tickle in my throat, a sniffle in my nose and a throbbing post-wine headache.

Sounds scary? - no, I was within ear-shot of my snoring husband and touching distance of civilisation (if you can call a washing line civilisation!).

Sounds dark? - no, I wore a head torch!

Sounds dry? - no, it rained.  I also had pine sap dripping on me from the trees, welding my hair to the sleeping bag.

Sounds memorable? - yes, I will remember not to do it again!

Challenge 32 - SKINNY DIP

La belle France, the moonlight, a glass of Chablis,
A challenge laid down - to swim naked and free,
Gung-ho, brave and tipsy, I answered "oui, oui",
So, towel in hand, I skipped off to the sea.

Top, shorts, bra and pants on the sand in a pile,
Shoes kicked off too, in Reginald Perrin style,
Submerged to my neck, I swam mile after mile,
Woo hoo! Skinny dip - before turning senile.

Challenge 32 achieved - hip hip hooray!
My elation and joy soon turned to dismay.
The newspaper headline the very next day -
"New species of whale seen in Bay of Biscay!"











Note:  first line should read 'six glasses of Chablis' but it didn't scan!
          second verse should read 'I swam inch after inch' but it didn't rhyme!

Challenge 24 - THROW A POT (UPDATE)

It's show and tell time!  Here are my fully glazed, fully functional and fully fabulous pots.

Can I have a sticker for effort please?