Challenge 49 - DO A SOLSTICE AT STONEHENGE

WOW!   AND WOW AGAIN!

This one took me completely by surprise.  Was expecting it be a box-ticking challenge, and actually had a slightly spiritual experience.  I have always thought I was just a plain old common-or-garden atheist, but am now detecting an undercurrent of humanism, with a hint of paganism, and maybe even a dusting of druid-ism.  I am therefore much more exciting than I thought I was! Or rather than I was yesterday.

Everything fell into place - my 3 children got up willingly at 4.45 am, the weather was 'balmy' and dry, the car-park had one last space left with our name on it, and the sun even popped its head out of a cloudy sky to rise majestically and cast its light through the narrow gap in the stones. To top it all my gorgeous friend, Jane, arrived from London abandoning her car on a verge and scaling some barbed wire to be with us.  I do love you Jane!

It was a true celebration of life - in all its most weird and wonderful forms, but all smiling and happy.  It had all the optimistic revelry of New Year's Eve, but without the hangover of disappointment and anti-climax that often accompanies it.  Life may not get better, but the days are definitely going to get longer - so let's celebrate.

The stones were the true star of the show.  To stand within the inner circle, leaning against these iconic giants, watching the sun rise was a privilege.  As humans they make us feel small by towering over us, yet as humans they make us feel tall by reminding us of what we can achieve using our amazing brains, bodies and spirit.

I know where I'll be this time next year, complete with mistletoe, bells, antlers, stick and some velveteen curtains.  Care to join me?

Challenge 48 - STAR IN A PANTO

I do not do drama, or role play, or performing, or even pretending to eat a non-existent cake for the 127th time off a plastic plate in a plastic cafe run by 5 year olds.  An occupational hazard, but one I avoid at all costs, usually by hiding in the cupboard.

Sadly on Tuesday, and thanks to all my colleagues' evil and vindictive disposition, the cupboard was locked and I was forced into a Jolly Postman costume, and thrust onto 'stage' in front of the whole school to play the lead role in our annual festive AD-LIB panto.  There were no lines to learn, no stage directions to rehearse, no characters to absorb - just fear to conquer, embarrassment to overcome, ordeals to dread, 250 children to entertain, my dignity to preserve and my knees to stop knocking.

And I was SO right to be fearful.  I had to drink magic potions with the Wicked Witch, eat uncooked porridge with the Three Bears, be chased by the Big Bad Wolf, dance the Macarena with the Ugly Sisters, perform an Irish jig on my own and stand on a table singing "I believe I can fly" - twice!

By the end, I did believe I could fly, I did believe I could touch the sky - I had risen to the challenge, and unexpectedly quite enjoyed it.  The smell of the grease-paint had tickled my nostrils, the roar of applause had echoed in my ears, the stage lights had dazzled my eyes.

Broadway here I come......dahling!  I think about it every night and day, I spread my wings and fly away.....

Thanks to everyone for pushing me very forcefully out of my comfort zone in the cupboard.

Challenge 47 - INVENT A COCKTAIL

This challenge had an element of danger - locking me in a room with 30 bottles of weird and wonderful spirits and liqueurs, and instructing me not to emerge until I had invented a super-cocktail with extra zing and oomph!  I was gone some time, but eventually emerged with not just one elixir of loveliness, but three.  And I was still upright.  Though a little cross-eyed.  And giggling.  A lot.

I am not precious with my talents - I will share the fruits of my tipples for all to enjoy:

Hot Flush:
1 shot blackberry brandy
1 shot vodka
1 shot ginger wine
1 dessertspoon chilli syrup


Menopausal Madness:
1 shot grand marnier
1 shot tequila
1/2 shot grenadine
1 shot orange juice

Fab-at-Fifty Festive Fandango:
1 shot brandy
1 shot vermouth
1 shot cranberry juice
1/2 shot spice syrup.


Get out the charity shop cocktail dresses, slip on your dancing shoes, get mixing, shaking and stirring... and let the party begin.......










.......and end, many hours later, when I eventually fall into bed full of festive fandango, oozing menopausal madness and experiencing a serious hot flush.

I awake next morning, feeling both shaken and stirred, and hoping that the cocktail fairies might have arrived during the night to restore my kitchen to its pre-cocktail order, and my head to its pre-cocktail happy place.  

Alas - both the cocktail fairies and James Bond have left the building!  Kitchen remains hungover, and head is in a sticky mess.

But I still love cocktails!

Challenge 46 - GO TO BINGO

What an adrenalin rush!  Dabber  poised over your sheet of numbers, beads of sweat forming on your brow, hand shaking in anticipation, brain creaking under the pressure of relaying high-speed messages from ears to hand, pound signs floating temptingly in front of your eyes, the word 'HOUSE' perched precariously on the tip of your tongue................'two and four, twenty four'......... sharp intake of breath - one number closer to the big win.........followed two seconds later by hatred and loathing for the player from Bromborough who snatched victory from my eager and more deserving grasp.

Completely and alarmingly addictive.

Mandy, Louise, Monica and I had set out earlier that night in curlers and headscarves for an evening of fun and frivolity, never imagining the consequences of dipping our dabbers (or should I say Fan Dabber Dozis)  into the cut-throat world of the Bingo hall.  After having been told on arrival at Gala Bingo, Bournemouth, that we were too late to participate - resulting in tears and tantrums -, we were thrown a lifeline by the lovely manageress, who allowed us to join in for the late session.  Once through the double doors of destiny, we took our table at the back, far enough away from the pros for our sniggers to go unheard.  Gradually we allowed ourselves to be seduced by the fluorescent lighting, the smooth velvety voice of the caller, the steely determination of our fellow gamers, the thrill of the chase.... and of course by naked greed!  We were hooked, and proud to be so!



All too soon it was over, leaving the bitter taste of disappointment seeping into our Pinot grigios.  We were the last to leave, long after the 'two fat ladies', the 'little duck' and the 57 Heinz varieties had left the building. Unlucky for some, clickety click.



Our spirits were lifted by a poster at the exit.

"FREE UNLIMITED BINGO - EVERY THURS AFTERNOON."

 Mmmmm......worth missing Countdown for?

Challenge 45 - See the Sound of Music

"The hills are alive, with the sound of ...........


......4 inebriated seventies schoolfriends, warbling out of tune at the top of their voices, dressed as rather dishevelled nuns!

We were not alone.  Several hundred other 'sisters' joined us, as did many curtain-clad Von Trapps, girls (and boys) in white dresses with blue satin sashes, brown paper packages tied up with string, wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings, and even a bright copper kettle.  Not your average Saturday night cinema audience, but a happy one!

I am rather proud of the fact that I have reached 50 without ever having to 'endure' the Sound of Music.  I don't do films where people spontaneously erupt into song (doesn't happen in my world), just as I don't do films in black and white (my world is colour and I like it that way).  Add to that saccharin-coated characters, sickly romance, over-simplistic anti-Nazi politics,  lederhosen and Julie Andrews, and it was never going to win me over, especially not in karaoke form.

Or so I thought!!!! Why then did I thoroughly enjoy the whole experience of Singalonga Sound of Music as much as I did.  Alcohol?  Definitely loosened the inhibitions, lubricated the voice-box and lightened the mood.  The company?  Certainly - seeing my 3 lovely school friends together for the first time in 25 years was a real highlight of my year - getting them to don habits and wimples in public was the icing on a rather scrummy cake.  The musical?  I think not.  Loved the experience but hated the film and the songs - definitely not one of my favourite things.

To Ruth, Lorraine and Tracy, I say "thank you", for your company and for indulging me with smiles on your faces. Heavens to murgatroyd - let's not leave it another 25 years - by then I will be losing my marbles as well as my debit card!


 To musicals I say "so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye!".

Challenge 42 - VOW OF SILENCE FOR 24 HRS (ATTEMPT 2)

8.00 am Cellotape is my new friend and ally in this challenge.  It is currently holding my lips together, and preventing me from speaking, sipping coffee, sneezing and yawning.  I am feeling confident.  Will update through the day.

10.00 am Cellotape is no longer my friend - refused to stick.  Moved on to sticky white labels with added advantage that they can carry an explanatory note - useful for casual callers such as Jehovahs Witnesses.  Slightly worried that might leave an unsightly red rectangular mark for posterity.

 12.00 pm Problem.  Have suddenly developed sinusitis and a blocked nose.  Mouth is clamped shut by sticky label.  Can't breathe.  What to do???

2.00 pm Iain says my sinuses are blocked because all the lubrication which normally helps me to talk is redundant and getting stuck.  Funny?  Sympathetic?  No and no.

6.00 pm Endured dinner without being able to contribute to the heated political discussions which are typical of Hogan family mealtimes.  Obviously everyone else was wrong and I would have been right if I could have joined in.  Could still snigger at the farting jokes which are equally as typical of Hogan family mealtimes!

8.00 pm Jaw muscle weakness setting in.

10.30 pm Barring some sort of ambush on the way to bed, I have made it.  Not a word uttered all day. I'd shout Hurray if I could.

Roll on tomorrow - I have some serious catching up to do.  Get the ear-plugs!

Challenge 44 - MAKE FRESH PASTA

I am not a natural cook, nor an enthusiastic one - I leave that to the more able and willing in the vicinity, ie Iain.  But I have secretly harboured a long-held desire to make fresh pasta - the pasta maker which has been sitting in my cupboard unopened and unloved for 15 years is testament to that fact - so this is the year to satisfy all desires.

Time to get the pasta maker out of the cupboard, blow off the cobwebs, and get down from the shelf the packet of 00 flour which has been sitting there every bit as long as the machine itself - 15 year old flour - is that a record?

So allowing myself one and a half hours, I closed the kitchen door on the world, put on some soothing music and set to.  I measured, mixed, kneaded, sweated, cursed, made a mess, chilled, blended, stirred, rolled, stuffed, cut, admired, cooked......

....and ended up with a perfectly acceptable plate of crab-stuffed ravioli.  How chuffed was I?  The family even ate it, without the usual "why didn't you let Dad cook it?" or "Why didn't we get a take-away?".



Just for the record it was 8.00pm at night - 3 hours after I started the culinary masterpiece - but the best things are worth waiting for.






Feeling like Delia and Gordon's love-child right now.  What next?  Souffle?

Challenge 43 - GET A TATTOO!

A classic, in terms of challenges, - but quite a big one for someone of my years and delicate pain threshold.  I had my lovely friend, Monica, there to hold my hand, though I suspect she was more nervous than I was.  My preparations were as follows:

- planning the tattoo - quite easy as I was going for the 'plastic paddy' look
- planning where it would be - quite easy as I wasn't prepared to reveal any part of my body that had not been on public display for the last 5 years, and also quite easy as I didn't want it on show at family weddings, christenings or funerals.
- listening to every other tattoo-ee about how painful it was going to be (rather like childbirth)
- 2 paracetamol
- 2 ibuprofen
- 2 large swigs of brandy (courtesy of Monica - she knows me well!)

The experience of being tattoo-ed was painful - sharp and stingy as you would expect - but strangely enjoyable, thanks to the support and Australian wit of my companion, to the large intake of brandy, and also to the skill and all-round loveliness of my tattoo artist, Becky.  She made me feel as if she tattoos eccentric geriatrics every day of the week, and made me feel comfortable and at home in a very alien environment.  I got a slight adrenalin rush from the experience and felt wonderfully rebellious and somewhat young.  Just for the record, she also said I had wonderful skin for tattooing, and that I was exceedingly brave.  I agree!



 I love my tattoo - it is now part of me - and a permanent reminder of my year of fun, adventure and madness.  When I am old and do-lally, and receiving a bed bath in some nursing home, I shall glance down at my tootsies and be reminded of a life lived well and enjoyed to the full - and a little smile shall cross my toothless gums! Job done!

Challenge 41 - HOLD A SPIDER

I am an arachnophobe - I was born that way - I can't help it - it's in the genes.

Spiders are sly, aggressive, enormous, fast, manipulative, hairy, tickly, predatory, and so very very ugly.  What not to be scared of.  Also, according to my niece, and I have to agree, they steal your soul and sell it to Satan.  Following my recent encounter (from which the spider emerged victorious I fear), my soul is well and truly packaged up and sitting on the shelf of the devil's workshop, waiting to be used for nefarious ends.


I had hoped that this challenge would mark the end of 50 years of spider phobia and evasion, but alas not.  I chose a small-ish beast to start with, with the aim of working my way up to something you could see without magnification.  But I spent so long (about 25 mins) screaming and dancing and hyperventilating, that my little spider in the interim grew into a tarantula sized black widow with a bone to pick and a chip on its shoulder.  My name was on both the bone and the chip.

After several aborted attempts, the spider was eventually tipped onto my outstretched hand, and lasted long enough on my skin for me to feel its tickle and its vengeance.  After 2 or 3 goes, I quit for animal welfare reasons and because I was having a heart attack.

Please feel free to watch the video HERE - I would recommend a magnifying glass and a slow motion camera to fully appreciate the horror of the event.  Just for the record, I have sacked the camera-man.

Spiders and I are still not friends.  Perhaps if they give me my soul back, I might reconsider!

Challenge 42 - VOW OF SILENCE FOR 24 HRS (FAILED!)

6.30 am and I am already struggling - and noone else is up.  Didn't realise that I talked so much to inanimate objects.  Perhaps choosing the day with the extra hour in it was an error of judgement.

8.30 am Family not supportive and are taking advantage of my vow of silence to be extra naughty!  Didn't realise that I spend so much time re-educating my family in what is right and what is wrong.  No - not nagging - that is what horrible mums do!

11.00 am Home alone.  Cats are wondering why I'm not conversing with them.  Didn't realise how interesting cat conversation actually is - I miss it hugely.

1.00 pm Decked myself out in signs and note-paper, ready for return of family

3.00 pm Decided to drink some cider - to ease the pain of silence.  Might jeopardise the challenge.

4.30 pm Challenge was well and truly jeopardised.  Walked into living room and said 'Computer's free, Pidge'.  Tried to bribe him, but he was having none of it.

CHALLENGE FAILED - WILL REVISIT AND TRY AGAIN.

Challenge 40 - TEA AT THE RITZ

 
Think fine bone china; solid silver cutlery; linen napkins; lace doilies; tea strainers; waiters dressed up as penguins; elegant attire (including 2 slightly embarrassed ladies in full length evening wear); Ritz royal loose leaf tea; lots of little pinkies sticking out at right angles; the tinkle of ivories; smoked salmon sandwiches; warm scones with clotted cream and jam; melt-in-the-mouth macaroons; crumbly meringues; lemon posset (which I thought was another word for baby sick, but never mind); gold, glass, glitz and glamour; impeccable manners; the whiff of over-indulgence; a sprinkling of English pomposity; a side order of nostalgia for times gone by; and of course a generous dollop of yumminess......

...and you have Tea at the Ritz.  And as much of it as you can consume without feeling sick or embarrassed - which, in our case, was quite a lot.  My lovely friend, Sally, and I rose to the challenge and to the occasion splendidly, convincing ourselves that after many years of searching we had in fact found our natural habitat.  Feed us regularly with delicious canopes and pastries, water us with champagne and surround us with luxury, and we will thrive and blossom!!!  (Iain and John, take note!)

Thankfully, our self-delusion evaporated just in time to prevent us from buying a little Dachshund puppy from Harrods at £1900!!!!  Back down to earth ladies!

Challenge 39 - SCATTER MUM AND DAD'S ASHES

An odd challenge - I accept.  But it certainly qualifies for my list on the following grounds:

- I certainly haven't done it before,
- it brought a smile to a lot of faces,
- it allowed Mum and Dad and the rest of my crazy family to be part of my year-long adventure - the journey would have felt incomplete without them.



Two years ago, my wonderful life-embracing family was left reeling by the deaths of my lovely mum, my dear brother John, and my beautiful nephew John, all within 3 weeks.  I am so very proud of how they have all dealt with the pain and sadness with inner strength and without self pity, to walk the difficult path to the place where they can once again embrace life and smell the roses.  Sadly Dad, challenged further by old age and infirmity, could not regain the huge zest for life he once had, and he died a year later.


The emotional exhaustion we all felt at the time prevented us from truly celebrating the long lives of our parents in the way we, and they, would have wanted, ie with a glass in our hands and a smile on our faces.  True to their wishes, their ashes were scattered together between 3 oak trees on a little island in the middle of my brother's lake.  The sun shone, the champagne flowed and laughter replaced the tears of the last 2 years.  After nightfall, fireworks lit up the sky and paper boats containing candles, messages and a little of their ashes sailed across the lake.

Mum and Dad, and the love they shared for over 65 years, lives on in all of us.  What a legacy!